Maybe you’re the parent whose child just bit their preschool teacher, or perhaps your child just had a meltdown at the dinner table. Wondering if these behaviors are normal (they are) and what you can do to change them are all the normal trials and tribulations of parenthood.

Normal Behavior for a Child

It is perfectly natural for every parent to wonder, at some point along the road of being a mom or dad, if their child is acting “normal.” Sometimes it is hard to tell if what your child is doing is acceptable or if it is a potential problem behavior. Often, there is a fine line between normal and abnormal behavior; this is in part due to where your child is developmentally, and can also depend on what you expect from your child. It is important to keep in mind that even within the same age group, kids often develop at different paces. What is considered normal and acceptable behavior can also vary from family to family; the values and expectations within your family might be different than other families that you know. You might see a child at a grocery store screaming for candy and be appalled by his behavior, and then realize that his mom finds his behavior perfectly normal. Figuring out if your child is developing and acting within a normal range of behaviors can be made easier by asking a few simple questions:

• Is the behavior harmful? While it is not unusual for toddlers or young school-age children to occasionally use aggression (such as biting) as a method to get what they want or to express feelings of frustration, consistent aggressive or harmful behavior warrants a closer look. Any actions that can interfere with the physical, social, or mental health of your child, their peers, or your family members should not be tolerated. If you feel that your child is consistently aggressive or harmful towards himself or others, he or she should be examined by a specialist.

 

• Repetitive behavior: It is perfectly normal for a child to “try out” a behavior once or twice, but if a certain behavior seems odd to you and your child is repeating it consistently, it may require a closer look.

 

• Ask around: Talk to other parents to see what their kids are doing. You can learn a lot from their experiences and might be surprised to learn that their child did exactly the behavior that you are concerned about. They might even have some tips on what they did with their own child to help curb the behavior. When in doubt, however, always check in with your physician.

How to Change Your Child’s Behavior

If there is a behavior that you would like to change, keep this in mind as a guiding rule: kids tend to continue with a behavior when you reward or reinforce it. On the other hand, they are more likely to stop that behavior if you ignore it. The worst thing you can do is to be inconsistent in your reaction. Rewarding it one day and then scolding the behavior the next will confuse your child and not give him or her clear guidance. Do not just focus on your child’s negative behaviors; rather, make the effort to praise your child’s positive behaviors. Reinforcing the positive will motivate them to continue the good behaviors that you’d like to see more often.

Curbing Misbehavior

If you child is misbehaving and you would like to change certain behaviors, start by focusing on the one or two behaviors that are most bothersome. Trying to make too many changes at once can be confusing to a child. Maybe your toddler is hitting, or your preschooler is stealing, or perhaps your young school-aged child is acting bossy. These are all normal, albeit undesirable, behaviors. Implement the following strategies to curb the misbehavior you find the most offensive:

• Choices: Allow your child to make some choices on his or her own. This helps foster a sense of independence and control. Choices can be a simple as “Would you like to color or read a book?” or “Would you like to wear your tennis shoes or sandals to school today?”

 

• Notice good behavior: Catch your child being good and let them know that you noticed- this technique is called “descriptive praise.” Do not just say “good girl” or “good boy” – be more specific in your praise, whether it is that they are playing quietly or that they cleaned up their snack all on their own. It is easier to just react to negative behavior, but it is equally if not more important to notice good behavior as well.

 

• Redirect the behavior. If your child is young, it is often possible to distract them from their bad behavior and redirect them towards another more positive one. For example, if a child is wants to color on the walls or the furniture, offer them a piece of paper to draw on instead, or suggest that you go outside and draw on the sidewalk with chalk. The point is to show your child acceptable versions of the negative behavior.

 

• Consistency. Children do best when their lives remain predictable and consistent. Whether in the form of regular routines (bed times, meal times, etc.) or being consistent with consequences to misbehavior – both are very important.

The Time-Out Method

The time-out method is used by many parents as an effective means to stop unacceptable behavior. As a parent, you need to decide ahead of time which of your child’s behaviors warrants them being put in time-out. Choose a time-out location that is not fun or interesting to your child – a chair in a corner of the room, a playpen without toys, etc. Next, explain to your child how time out works and which behaviors warrant it. When your child acts in a way that requires time-out, calmly warn him or her. If the warning is ignored, enforce the time-out and briefly say why they are being put in it.

The length of time-out is usually one minute for each year of age. If you need to discuss why they were put in time-out and the acceptable behavior that should have been used instead, it is generally best to wait until later. Always remember to stay calm and let your child know you love them once the time-out is over.

Physical Punishment

Some parents may elect to use physical punishment, like spanking, as a means to discipline their children. Professional organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics have determined, however, that while corporeal punishment may immediately stop a desired action, this means of punishment has a reduced effectiveness over time.

The only way to maintain the initial “shock” effect of a spank or other physical punishment is to increase its intensity over time, which approaches child abuse. When you hit your child, you are teaching them that this type of behavior is an acceptable way to react in a situation.

Encouraging Desired Behaviors

In tandem with curbing undesirable behavior, it’s equally important to encourage desired behavior in your children. Many desirable behaviors emerge as a result of normal childhood development, and it is important for you to notice and praise them. Others, however, such as good manners and sharing, need to be taught and reinforced. Some tips for teaching good behavior include:

• Give your child regular, positive, and daily attention

 

• Reinforce new and developing desired behaviors through praise; ignore minor transgressions

 

• Be a model for the behavior that you are trying to teach, such as respectful communication, sharing, etc

 

• Listen carefully to your children; help them learn how to express their feelings

 

• Allow them to make their own choices and teach them to think ahead about the consequences of their choices

 

• Make a behavior chart that designates the desired behaviors as well as the circumstances where the behaviors need to be demonstrated; devise a point system that culminates in some type of reward if a certain number of points are reached; use the chart as a measure of success and not punishment

Ways to Reward Your Child

While it might seem easy to reward your child with food when a good behavior is achieved, it is important not to rely on “food rewards” – you don’t want to teach kids to eat when they are not hungry. Keeping a wide variety of other reward options will help keep your child motivated over the long haul. Some possible rewards include:

• Staying up 15 minutes past their bedtime

 

• Having a few friends over

 

• Helping to plan a special family outing

 

• Helping to cook dinner or a special dessert

 

• Have a family game night

 

• Going somewhere special alone with just one parent

 

• Having longer than normal in the bath with extra toys

 

• Keeping a box of special toys, games, or videos that are reserved for special occasions

 

• Setting up a reward system so that your child can earn points (can be in tandem with the behavior chart) towards movie tickets, etc

What Else You Can Do

For serious behavioral problems that do not respond to other methods, try to establish if there might be an underlying trigger that you can remove. It may help you to keep a diary of the behavior and possible triggers to see if there is a pattern. Also examine whether or not there could be a physical or psychological cause contributing to the problem; there might be an undiagnosed disability that needs attention. Teamwork is also very important if you have a child that needs extra attention; use resources such as your child’s teacher, coaches, and pediatrician. Remember to make an investment in each child in your family – every child needs daily individual attention, whether it is talking, doing a puzzle, or reading. This quality one-on-one time cannot be underestimated.

Conclusion

While being a parent can sometimes feel like a trial and error roller coaster, having the proper tools to work with your child on his or her behavior goes a long way. If you consistently use techniques to encourage good behavior and discourage bad, the result will be a happier and better-adjusted child.